I’ve heard it time and time again: “my wedding is going to be soooo different.” Sadly, no, it probably won’t be. I love that you’ve found “the one.” I love you, and I love him, and I’m a huge fan of love — really, I am! But here’s what’s irking me: You’ve lost your damn mind, woman! You bitch and complain about having to go to all these showers, bachelorettes, engagement parties and weddings and yet, when yours comes around, you do all the same things. Probably because you’ve spent so much money, that when your turn comes around, you want pay-back. I worry that I, too, might want pay-back if I ever get married. But I’m nowhere near that, so I, unlike you, have a clear head about weddings right now. So listen up foo’s!
There are several wedding-related things that are in desperate need of both updating and downsizing. Let’s be real with each other so you can have the wedding of the century! Or maybe just a very cool and casual party that celebrates your union? A friend can dream.
THE BRIDAL SHOWER
Showers are parties for presents, and I don’t want anything to do with them. First of all: what would I know about getting you a starter-wife present? I guess I could show up with a Costco-sized supply of Aleve, but I have a feeling that Betty in the corner might take offense. Also: I have better things to do on a Sunday morning than to drink mimosas and not get drunk. I’d rather be drinking mimosas and getting wasted, for one! For two? I was probably drunk last night, so let me sleep in on a Sunday!
Also, please tell me what to do with that blank recipe card that came with the invitation because, news flash: I don’t cook, I have no recipes to dole out. What year is this? I thought we were modern women, but the best thing you can come up with is a recipe book and the popular “toilet paper wedding gown” game? First of all, the whole toilet paper thing is terrible for the environment. Second of all: it’s a real bitch to clean up. Also? It’s way more fun for your mom’s friends than for your friends. So leave us out of it! Showers are best used for washing your hair, cleaning your body and sometimes peeing. Let’s keep it that way.
THE ONE-OF-A-KIND WEDDING GOWN
Every girl says the same thing: “my dress is going to be different.” Let me guess what it might look like: a white gown in a fancy, maybe shiny, maybe lacy material that is tight on the top and lose on the bottom? Yeah! I’ve seen it before! Every single time, actually. Unless you’re walking down the aisle in a black muumuu that says “I Really Slutted Myself Around College” they all look exactly same.
THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY
I’m sorry, what? There’s a pre-party to your big party and it doesn’t involve being in a big field with cans of Bud Light? I don’t get it! We’re toasting the idea of you two getting married? That’s a sweet thing to do. Wait, I have to spend how much on a gift? And then double that for the wedding? I don’t get it! Why? Why more gifts? Why can’t you just get married and let me party like a rock star all night long in honor of that? Stop the insanity!
THE BRIDESMAID DRESS
Friends don’t make friends be their bridesmaids. Why am I being punished for being such a good friend? I love you! I want to support you through this exciting time in your life, but stop bossing me around! You saw the movie right? You know how stupid grown women of different shapes and sizes look wearing the same thing, right? Why are you suddenly telling me, not asking me, to buy a dress for two hundred dollars as if it ain’t no thang? Let it be said: it’s a thang. And also? You didn’t choose a color that looks great on me. You chose a color that matches your expensive floral arrangements. This wedding has changed you, Cindy… It’s made you a liar (believe me: I’m not the only one who thinks no one looks good in champagne).
I’ve been to thirteen weddings in two years, and I’m exhausted. My feet hurt, my bank account is dangling somewhere between overdraft and non-existent and I’m bloated from all the cheap champagne and stuffed ravioli. Quite frankly my closet has more brightly-colored cocktail dresses than it does jeans, and for a girl in her mid-twenties, that is a real life tragedy.
The cycle of madness needs to end. Women: rise up and make the wedding shenanigans that have somehow become the norm completely extinct. And with that? I bid many of my friendships adieu.